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President Donald Trump turned to a galaxy far, far away for military support after declaring that he had “fired” NATO over its refusal to help reopen the Strait of Hormuz.
Flanked by two bewildered Secret Service agents dressed in Stormtrooper armor, Trump announced from the Oval Office that his administration had begun negotiations with Emperor Sheev Palpatine and the Galactic Empire.
The fictional diplomatic pivot came as the Strait of Hormuz remained closed amid the war with Iran, disrupting a crucial route for the global oil trade and sending petroleum prices soaring. Traditional U.S. allies had declined to deploy warships to reopen the waterway.
In a Truth Social post, Trump lashed out at French President Emmanuel Macron, mocked NATO as weak and “low energy,” and complained that American allies would not intervene while domestic gasoline prices climbed.
After Germany and the United Kingdom also refused to participate, Trump ordered NASA and the State Department to search deep space for a more forceful partner—preferably one unconcerned with the Geneva Convention or international law.
The search produced a long-distance holographic meeting with Palpatine, ruler of the Galactic Empire. Two U.S. officials said Trump called the emperor “very misunderstood” and praised Order 66 as history’s most successful mass firing.
Trump requested a fleet of Star Destroyers to position above the Strait of Hormuz, proposing that the reopened shipping route be named the Trump-Palpatine Peace Corridor. He complimented the emperor’s power and pale complexion while boasting that no one could negotiate a better agreement.
Talks deteriorated when Palpatine demanded 1,000 star systems as tribute. Trump responded with a lifetime Mar-a-Lago membership and a “Get Out of Jail Free” card valid at The Hague.
The president then criticized the Galactic Empire’s construction record, arguing that he could have built the repeatedly destroyed Death Star for half the cost and added better windows. Palpatine reportedly ended the conversation by attempting to electrocute Trump’s hologram.
State Department officials remained uncertain whether the approaching Star Destroyers would clear the strait or obliterate Mar-a-Lago in retaliation. Trump nevertheless maintained that interstellar diplomacy offered the best path forward.
He said Secretary of State Marco Rubio had already been dispatched by spacecraft to negotiate with the First Order and Kylo Ren, whose murder of his father did not appear to diminish Trump’s confidence that a “tremendous” deal could still be reached.